*They are... Not Hers*
Deep down inside, Buffy knows her feelings are miserable and petty
and wrong. She knows she has no right to resent Willow or to deny Spike
the right to find something more than the crumbs she offers him. Knows
that she’s been a hypocrite all this time, condemning Willow for a frailty
she’s all too familiar with and making her pay and pay for transgressions
she herself has barely gotten a slap on the wrist for. Knows that it’s
cruel and inhuman to use Spike’s love for her to make him into her sexual
slave, to treat him like dirt and use him to satisfy her own desires without
a care for how much pain she inflicts on him.
She can’t help it, though; she hates them. She hates Spike for not
being there for her anymore, for not letting her fuck him to make herself
feel, for not letting her feel superior by degrading him, for not loving
her anymore. And she hates Willow. Hates her for ripping her out of heaven,
but also for not being in her orbit anymore, for not caring so much about
being her friend and earning her forgiveness and making things up to her
that nothing else exists in her world. She hates them both for escaping
from the pull of her gravity and not being her satellites any longer.
Deep down, she knows what she feels is childish to a degree that is
monstrous. Somewhere in her heart, she still has enough of that humanity
she tells herself she came back without to realize that what she’s been
doing to Spike is vicious and wrong, enough of the love and affection she’s
always felt for the best friend she’s ever had to realize that she should
have forgiven Willow long ago, and that she’s losing the best thing in
her life by pushing her away. Buffy knows that if she’s smart, she’ll act
like a grown-up and accept this-thing-between Willow and Spike before her
anger costs her so much more than paradise. But she’s not ready to grow
up just yet, so she clings to the small, selfish part of herself, clutching
it tightly as if it were Mr. Gordo. Right now, she just wants to hate them,
and she does.
*They are... Wrong; so, so wrong*
He can’t figure out how this could have happened. She’s his best friend.
Sure, since the whole magick-addiction thing, he hasn’t been around her
as much, but that’s because she needs to see the error of her ways, to
understand that her actions have consequences, to... There’s a whole, complicated
explanation the others had given him from all these books on dealing with
addicts, but Xander has never been good at remembering those things. He
just does what smarter people, people who care about Willow as much as
he does, told him was the right thing to do. But if they’ve been doing
the right thing, then how did his best friend, his *gay* best friend, wind
up with Spike?
He doesn’t understand. What about Tara? The last time he’d talked to
Willow, she’d been desperate to win back her lover, desperate for all of
them to forgive her so that things could go right back to the way they
were. It couldn’t have been *that* long since he’d sat down with his best
friend, could it? When did she stop wanting for everything to get back
to normal? When did she stop caring about atoning for the bad things she
had done and earning their forgiveness? And when did she start caring about
Spike?
There’s a part of him, deep down, that’s jealous, though he doesn’t
like to think about it. Sure, he stopped wanting Willow a long time ago,
but he never wanted her to stop wanting *him*. He got comfortable with
the idea of Oz, seeing him as the guy Willow settled for after she and
Xander never worked out. And Tara, well, Tara’s a *girl*, and that’s not
something that he has to compete with. But Spike... Spike’s a whole other
ball game. If Willow’s with Spike, it means she doesn’t love Xander at
all anymore, not the way she used to; and out of all the things that Willow
has done, the fact that she’s stopped loving him is the one thing that
Xander can’t forgive her for.
*They are... Traitors*
It’s just not right, and even though she’s an ancient mystical Key,
this whole thing makes Dawn feel more like a broken-hearted teenage girl
who’s lost her first love than a shiny ball of energy. She feels angry
and hurt and betrayed and vengeful. She wants to break everything in her
room, to scream so loud the whole neighborhood can hear her, and to cry
until she falls asleep and wakes up to find out this is all only a nightmare.
But it’s not, and she knows that. Spike loves Willow. Willow. The girl
who called her names and treated her like a baby and almost got her *killed*.
Dawn was Spike’s pet, his Lil’ Bit, and, at least in her dreams, his future
girlfriend. How could he betray her by falling in love with Willow? And
how could Willow betray her by falling in love with Spike? Not only is
she betraying Dawn but she’s betraying *Tara*, sweet, caring Tara. Doesn’t
Willow realize that all Dawn wanted was for the two of them to get back
together? Then she would have forgiven Willow, too, and everything would
have been wonderful again. Like before, when Buffy was still gone and Willow
and Tara had made her feel safe. Only it would be better this time, because
Buffy’s alive again.
Now, though, now nothing is ever going to be the same. Tara is never
going to move back in, Buffy and Willow will never be friends again, and,
worst of all, Dawn will never be Spike’s girlfriend. She hates them both.
But most of all, she hates Willow.
*They are... Together*
She should have known this would happen, Tara tells herself over and
over; she should never have fallen in love with a girl who’d had a boyfriend
before. She’s always known that Willow would do this, would head back to
boystown. She’s just been a quirk. The college experiment, like drinking
or drugs or a Spring Break threesome, that every girl has in the scrapbook
of her memory. A souvenir of carefree youthful abandon, put up on a shelf
the day after graduation, never again to be more than a story relived over
martinis at the ten year reunion
She knows these thoughts are wrong, though, even as she has them. Willow
loved her. It was real and true and special. *Was*. That’s the word that
hurts, that makes Tara tell herself she was just a fling over and over
again. Because this ending would be so much easier if she could just believe
their relationship had been meaningless to Willow. That she’d been used
and tossed aside. Instead of the truth. That she’s stupidly thrown away
the most wonderful woman she’ll ever know. Because she was scared, judgmental,
and too stupidly arrogant to think that anyone could take Willow away from
her, even if she wasn’t around anymore.
Oh how wrong she had been. Still, how could she have known to fear
Spike? He was Buffy’s. She’d even seen them together, knew that Buffy and
Spike were having sex on a regular basis. When had that changed? When did
Spike turn his eyes away from Buffy and see the shining, bright thing that
was Tara’s and decide to take it for his own? Not that she can blame him.
Since the first day she ever laid eyes on her, Willow has been all she
can see.
How could she have been so foolish? Why did she abandon Willow, make
so many demands, why had she been so harsh and unforgiving? If only she
could go back, she would do it all differently, stay with Willow and pull
her back from the brink some other way. But it’s too late now. Spike will
never make the same mistakes she did, she can see it in his eyes. As much
as it hurts, Willow and Spike are together; Tara will never hold her in
her arms again. Even though she knows it’s wrong to feel this way, a part
of her almost hopes that someone stakes Spike.
*They are... A good thing*
She wishes she’d been there for the big announcement, or announcements,
really, but Anya’s not all that surprised that she’s had to hear about
this second hand. After all, it’s not like she and Willow are really all
that close. She and Spike aren’t either. Of course, there’s the fact that
they’re both demons, but that has never made them very close. She likes
Spike, would even have sex with him, but that’s because he’s attractive
and she doesn’t have to follow those silly human rules about sex having
to be meaningful. Not that there’s any chance of having sex with him now.
Willow’s the monogamous type and she’d be upset if Spike had sex with someone
else now that they’re a couple.
It makes sense, now that she thinks about it, this Willow and Spike
thing. And if the others weren’t so stupid and caught up in all their stupid
human emotional crap, they’d see it, too. Willow and Spike make sense.
They sure make a lot more sense than Spike and Buffy ever did. What was
Spike thinking? Stupid question; he *wasn’t* thinking. Just being all-too-human
and thinking that an erection meant more than a physical interest in someone.
Buffy is, after all, an attractive girl. But really, the perfect girl for
a demon? Once again, what was Spike thinking? A witch, now *that’s* a good
fit for a demon. Especially now that Willow isn’t such a *good* witch anymore.
Actually, now that Anya thinks about it, she really likes the idea
of Willow and Spike. They make her think that anything is possible, even
for her. So maybe she’ll do something nice for them, call Giles, and maybe
Angel, too, and tell them the news before Buffy does it and ruins everything
by telling it *her* way and ending up getting Spike staked. Yeah, that’s
what Anya will do. She’ll call them up and tell them about it the *right*
way, so at least *someone* will understand that this is really a good thing,
this Willow and Spike thing.
*They are... Love*
It hurts Willow that none of her friends can forgive her for loving
Spike. Of course, she understands Tara’s pain, and she supposes she couldn’t
have expected anything different from Buffy, or even Dawn, but she harbored
a secret hope that Xander might care about her enough to want her to be
happy, no matter what; that he felt the same way she has always felt about
him. But he doesn’t, and he refuses to even try, just insulting her and
cutting her out of his life and, without knowing it, making her realize
just how right the choice she’s made really is.
Of course, it would be so much easier if she could just write them
all off. Say, "Good riddance to bad rubbish," and be on her merry way.
But Willow has never been able to excise anyone from her heart once they’ve
become a part of her. Somewhere inside of her, she still loves Oz, after
all. So, even as she loves Spike with all her being, a part of her heart
will always be Tara’s, and the part of her heart that belongs to them bleeds
from the wounds inflicted by Xander and Buffy and Dawn.
Still, somehow, despite the pain she feels, she can’t deny that she
is happy, happier than she has ever been. She wonders how, after losing
everything that, less than a month ago, was her whole world, she can feel
so gloriously complete. But then she looks over at Spike and her confusion
ends. How one person can now give her everything that her lover and all
her friends put together were never able to give her before is a mystery
she can never hope to solve. But it really doesn’t matter. Because the
answer to all the questions she *needs* answered is Spike.
He would like to say that he regrets what she had to give up to be
with him. But that would be a lie. The happiest moment Spike has ever known,
alive or undead, is the moment when Willow returned to the crypt in tears,
telling him that she’d told Xander about her love for Spike and that he’d
told her he never wanted to see her again. She’d cut the closest bond she
had, given up the friendship she’d clung to since childhood, and she’d
done it for *him*. His heart almost beat again just thinking about that
day. It was that very moment that he realized just how much he had feared
what might happen, that he’d been terrified that her friends would lure
her back to the fold, that she’d decide to return to the safety of Tara’s
bed and give up Spike for the comfort and security of her old life. And
it would have been hard to blame her. Choosing him means giving up *everything*
that’s ever mattered to her, but she’s done it, and Spike knows that he’d
better find a way to make her immortal, because it will take eternity to
pay her back for all that she’s given him just by making that choice.
It’s a wonderful feeling, he realizes; this big, grand, terrifying
thing between them. It’s so far removed from what he felt for Drusilla,
Angelus, and Buffy that he has to choose which one is love. What he felt
for them or what he feels for Willow. He chooses what he feels for Willow.
William might have gone on and on after that epiphany, pondering for endless
hours about what name should be given to the feelings he’d had for those
who had come before. But the word comes easily to Spike. Mistakes, that’s
what everyone before Willow was. Mistakes. Still, he doesn’t regret a thing.
Not a single moment spent with Dru or Angelus or even the Slayer. He’s
not much of a philosopher anymore, but he knows that the alteration of
even one moment of his past might cost him the joy of his present. And
that would be so much worse than any mistake he’s ever made. He loves Willow
and she loves him. It’s real and true and forever. That’s all that matters
now.
The End.
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