Pairing: Spike/Willow
Summary: Spike tells Willow the truth and Willow tries to make sense of it all.
Feedback: Please! It’s my reason for living!
Distribution: If you have permission to archive previous parts of this series, you may have this. Otherwise, please ask first.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. It all belongs to Joss and a bunch of other people who are not now and have never been me.
Author’s Notes: Thank you to everyone who has waited so patiently for more of this story! I hope you feel it was worth the wait!
Author’s Notes Two: Thank you to Tonya, for being a wonderful beta and an even better friend!
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She could still see Spike’s lips moving, but Willow was no longer capable of hearing the words that came forth. All she could hear was a roaring in her ears that sounded like the sounds of the sea she had listened to in conch shells at the beach. But this roaring carried with it none of the happy associations of sand castles and sunshine. This was the sound of an angry, dangerous sea, and an undertow that threatened to carry her away to be drowned. Drowned in lies, drowned in pain, drowned in betrayal.
Her thoughts broke through the din, the noise in her ears no match for the pain that now filled her mind. She had been lied to, betrayed, tricked...by everyone. She couldn’t make sense of it all. Certainly, she had done bad things...taking everyone’s memories, hurting Dawn. Still, she had never *meant* to hurt anyone, and she was sorry, had said so, and had done everything she could to prove her contrition and regret. Yet it was never enough for anyone; not Xander, not Dawn, not Buffy, not Tara. Willow had understood that, til now. But it suddenly wasn’t right anymore.
Did *everyone* but her know about what Buffy was doing to Spike? She had sensed that Tara and Buffy had a secret lately, but Willow had been sure she was just being paranoid. Now, however, she wasn’t so quick to dismiss her intuition. She was convinced...Tara knew. And yet, she had done nothing differently, been no kinder to Willow, been no closer to forgiving her and taking her back. Tara could accept Buffy knowingly hurting Spike over and over again, using his love for her to satisfy her own needs, with no conscience and no remorse, but she couldn’t forgive Willow for harm she had never intended to cause and mistakes she truly regretted. And as that knowledge crashed over her like a tidal wave, Willow felt her heart break and a piece of it, the piece that had been Tara’s, die. And for a moment, Willow hoped with her whole soul that she would die along with it.
Then the roaring ceased and the silence was almost unbearable. ‘Til she felt Spike’s hand on her shoulder and heard his voice, choked with worry.
"Pet?" he asked softly, tentatively.
And with that, Willow fell apart. And now she no longer *heard* the ocean, she felt as though she *was* the ocean; so many tears poured forth, mingled with sobbing so intense that at first she couldn’t be sure it was hers alone. How could any one person contain so much anguish, so much pain? She wondered if she would ever stop crying, ever stop feeling so hopelessly alone, even as a part of her felt Spike’s arms surround her, heard his murmured words of comfort.
Time passed and with it passed some of the desperate feelings of isolation. She began to truly sense Spike’s presence, truly feel him near her. And she listened, not just to what he was saying at that moment, but to the words she hadn’t heard before. She realized that she wasn’t alone, and that not everyone had lied to her, abandoned her, betrayed her. Someone *did* forgive her, care about her, and had been honest with her at the risk of his own pride, his own heart, even his own life.
He had known she could hurt him, abandon him, betray him to Buffy by revealing what he told her, yet he had poured it all out to her, left no secret unrevealed, and begged her to understand and to forgive him. Even though, the way Willow saw it, there was nothing to forgive.
Looking up into his face, Willow saw the fear and uncertainty in Spike’s eyes. And the words that came to her lips were the only ones she could say, the only ones that emerged from the confused maelstrom of her emotions.
"Thank you," she whispered hoarsely, her voice rough and weakened by her crying.
Willow wanted so desperately to say more. Yet, as she found herself
pulled tight once more into the embrace of her lover, perhaps, for now,
those words had been enough.
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